When my brother and his fiancée told us their wedding plans, I could've hit them both.
I remember my father (Lord, rest his soul) telling us his children would not get married in halls. He insisted all our wedding receptions would be in hotels and fully catered.
When these two told us they planned to get married – on a patch of grass – I was ready to prescribe myself blood pressure medication.
I remember my sister and I on WhatsApp video call after WhatsApp video call, trying to see their reasoning and failing each time.
At one point, I was so livid with my brother that I uninvited myself to his wedding. I told him to continue but I would not be a part of it.
I recall standing in my kitchen and my father giving me the lecture of my 35+ years on earth, basically telling me that I was his eldest daughter, that was my brother and there was no way I was not going to be present on the biggest day of my brother's life.
Dad was not having any bit of my whining about "this is not how we were raised", "you taught us better", "what is a patch of grass", "I'm an adult and I've made up my mind" chatter.
When he was done half-shouting at me, I made sure the phone screen read "Call ended" before I rolled my eyes and said: "I'm big now. You can't tell me what to do!" I then stalked off to the lounge.
The months rolled on and the the couple continued their plans despite all our ideas and suggestions. It was frustrating.
Even hours before they said "I do", I had my own hang-ups about their wedding.
You see, when I got married some eleventy-seven moons ago, it was traditional to have all my relatives and their pet cats in attendance.
I was the eldest, so I had to have all my aunts and uncles and because my folks were “in the church”, I had to have the church leadership there too.
My dad even paid for an extra table just in case there were straddlers, and let me tell you, there were! (Imagine, our parents paid to feed people hubby and I didn't even know!)
My brother and his wife had chosen to have their wedding at her parents' home. The guest list was made up of siblings, siblings' spouses and children. Their retinue was two best men, two bridesmaids and our pastor.
That was it. Note, their wedding took place during Covid.
I know I sound like a judgemental old cow but I definitely had my own ideas about how weddings "should go" and I was schooled proper!
My brother and his wife have zero regrets about their wedding day. And to be honest, it was perfect. Every detail was about them – the colours, the style, the mood, the music, the food…
Days later, I came clean to them about how I felt and commended them on a perfect wedding.
You see, many brown families we are wound up in traditions and customs. We are raised to believe "this is the way it should be" and any changes give us heart palpitations.
We forget that the couple have decided to allow us into their space for the day or those hours to celebrate their love and the start of their future together. It is a privilege, not an expectation.
My advice to couples planning their wedding is to sit and go through their WhatsApp list and see who the people are who they contact the most. That's your circle. There is no need to invite sour aunties and grumpy uncles for the sake of it.
When you plan your guest list, make sure those are the people who are going to be around years later. Also, ignore your elder sisters and their 19-voetsek ideas.