QUESTION: I have been with my partner for eight years and our sex life is in the doldrums. This happened in my previous relationship and I don’t want to let it drift again until it’s too late to rescue things. I think we should step out of our comfort zone and try something new, so I have booked a Tantric sex weekend for the New Year. However, my other half is horrified at the prospect. I feel that if he cared, he’d give it a go. How can I persuade him?
ANSWER: The real question is whether you want to turn Tantra into the deal-breaker in your relationship. It’s one thing to try something new in the privacy of your bedroom and quite another to undertake a weekend workshop in the presence of strangers.
You clearly have a bold and inquiring nature that thrives on new experiences, but I’m guessing your partner is somewhat more retiring.
I have to tell you my husband would file for divorce if I made him go on a Tantric sex weekend, though I would generally describe him as the most reasonable of men. The joss stick-tinted whiff of group therapy would have him running for the hills. The truth is that it’s not for everyone.
Most men I know think practising yoga is dangerously close to declaring yourself a New Age hippy and wearing crystals. So the idea of “awakening your chakras” would give them a fit of the vapours.
For those who haven’t a clue what I’m on about, Tantra is a spiritual practice, which finds its origins in Hinduism, Buddhism and Taoism and can be traced back to 4AD.
The practice of Tantric sex is about living ecstatically in the moment through the intense deployment of all your bodily senses. Tantric sex enthusiasts make much of the journey in sex (ie the process of arousal and intimate connection that happens between lovers) and feel the emphasis should not be on orgasm.
This has led to the popular myth that Tantric sex is solely concerned with marathon sex sessions. For this, you can mostly blame Tantric enthusiast Sting, who once boasted of endless love-making sessions with his wife Trudie Styler - though he now says he was joking.
In a recent interview, the pop star gave a more appealing appraisal of Tantra: “It’s using every aspect of your life - whether it’s walking, breathing, eating, speaking, making love - as an act of devotion or an act of gratitude.”
I do think that jaded couples have much they can learn from Tantra. The emphasis on eye contact, sensual massage, pelvic tone and proper breathing makes a lot of sense.
Some Tantric exercises consist of blindfolding your partner and feeding them fruit, holding a rose under their nose or tickling them with a feather, so they learn to fully appreciate the sensations of taste, scent and touch and not to rely on purely visual stimuli.
Practitioners talk about full-body orgasms, which certainly sound worth a bit of study.
What I am less certain about is whether group sessions can work for your typically reticent British male - or female, come to that.
I have a friend who met her husband on a Tantric sex weekend and I giggled when she told me: “We were both naked when we first said hello.”
Now, that works for some people, but gives others the heebie-jeebies. Others I know who have embarked on Tantra courses talk of having to dance “to loosen up”, and being told to caress total strangers.
It might be good for those who want to lose their inhibitions, but some of us are quite content keeping hold of them. My own problem, I must confess, is the deep desire to laugh whenever confronted by a room of people being earnest in the cause of enlightenment.
So I suppose my real point here is that there are clearly things you need to tackle in your relationship, but do you need to go nuclear if your man doesn’t want to try Tantra?
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care - it could just be he’s feeling nervous or queasy. Just think how you would feel if your partner bought you a voucher for a naked paintballing weekend in Wales and then sulked when you said it wasn’t your cup of tea.
Anything that smacks of dogma and “you must do this” can be off-putting. If he really disagrees, it would make far more sense for you to take the course solo and bring back techniques to share with your partner.
If they work for him, he may join you on a course another time. If he’s still disdainful - especially after you’ve offered him a sensual massage - then you clearly have serious, deep-rooted issues to discuss. It is always bad news when one person in a relationship refuses to work on a faltering sex life.
At that point, you need to talk properly and ascertain whether he’s depressed and having problems with his libido, or whether there are core problems with your relationship that might be too serious to fix - even with the joys of Tantra. - Daily Mail