QUESTION: I’ve been with my husband for 22 years (we’re both in our 40s) and for the past five we haven’t had sex. Things slowed down when our three children were born (the youngest is eight) and then petered out entirely. I sometimes feel it’s my fault because I wasn’t very interested in sex when the children were little, but it’s also true that my husband became less intimate. I don’t think he is having an affair, and I am certainly not, but we’re just frozen - unable to talk about it for fear everything will unravel. What can we do?
ANSWER: An author friend recently joked he was going to write a book about his friendship group (all in their 40s, too) entitled: We’re Not Having Sex Either.
His feeling was there’s an epidemic of unintentional celibacy among middle-aged parents.
He pointed out that today’s generation of professionals tended to have their children later in life, after they’ve been together for some time.
This means that a bit of sexual boredom, or complacency, may have set in by the time infants are pattering about, making the resumption of sex even less likely.
Then all you need are a run of broken nights and a demanding job and - hey presto! - months can go by without you making love.
If both partners in the relationship are stressed, tired and suffering from a depleted libido there isn’t a huge amount of motivation to discuss what’s going wrong.
It’s also true that couples who find themselves in this situation have a huge amount at stake after years of being together, of building a home and family and uniting their finances.
The idea of starting a discussion that will reveal tensions underpinning their comfortable life seems so daunting they’d rather not tackle the subject - even though that’s the only way of getting their sex lives back on track and, in all likelihood, the only way of ensuring the long-term happiness of the union.
One sex counsellor I know calls this “the pact of silence”. He says it’s a high-risk strategy as, so often, nothing is done until one or both partners falls for someone else and, by that point, they’re not interested in revitalising the old relationship.
He says if a couple haven’t had sex for six months and can’t talk to one another about the situation they should consider counselling. If they haven’t made love for a year or more, he believes they should definitely seek professional help.
As in all things, early intervention can prevent a problem escalating. Not that this last piece of advice is of help to you. Five years is a long time to go without sex and an alarmingly long time not to talk about it.
It sounds as if your husband felt squeezed out of your affections when the children arrived and, having been rebuffed, eventually stopped seeking sex.
You were probably relieved at first when his demands ceased, since looking after small children for years had sapped your libido, but there came a point when you mourned being desired.
I tell this story with confidence as I have heard so many versions of it over the years. I get more letters complaining of a sexless marriage than any other dilemma. Often the writer is a little mystified - as you are - as to how they find themselves in this position. In fact, it’s easy to see how it happens.
Sex in a long-term relationship is like taking exercise: you need to do it regularly to fully enjoy it and reap the benefits. If you keep dodging out of love-making you can rapidly get out of shape and - worse still - can get so unfit you fear you can’t find your way back.
This wouldn’t matter if both of you were happy that way - some people are - but I doubt you’d be writing if that were the case.
You need to take action before your relationship turns stagnant. If you can’t talk to your husband about it, then you need to seek counselling - and quickly. It is easier to take advice from a third party, just as it’s easier to exercise when you have a personal trainer.
A good counsellor will tell you to spend time together alone, talking things through and discussing your needs. No one expects you to jump into bed and say: “Abracadabra - the old magic is there!”
You need to re-establish intimacy and that needs to happen slowly. Shared baths or light massages are a better first step than throwing yourself into full intercourse.
Learning to connect through proper eye contact is as essential for making love as any amount of more physical foreplay. You are in a nerve-wracking place and need to take the fear out of physical contact by going slowly. Don’t put each other to the test and demand orgasmic feats before you are both in your comfort zone.
The thing you need to recognise is that many couples have been in your situation and a reassuring number have rekindled desire from dying embers. Will-power and mutual kindness are the oxygen to the flame. - Daily Mail