Significant numbers of married South African men and women are having great sex in cyberspace - and they don’t feel in the least bit ashamed of it.
This was the finding of former Durbanite Marlene Wasserman, aka Dr Eve, a prominent sexologist and couples therapist.
Wasserman’s latest book, Cyber Infidelity:
The New Seduction, is set to turn many of our ideas of marriage and sexual behaviour on their head.
The book is based on two years’ research into the database of AshleyMadison.com, a Canadian-based website with a membership of more than 35.5 million people in 46 countries, and 295 000 in South Africa.
The site was created in 2002 by Canadian Noel Biderman, known as the King of Infidelity. It caters to married men and women seeking online affairs, and boasts the tagline: “Life is short. Have an affair.”
Wasserman decided to research the effect of online sex when she realised there was no authoritative data on the topic. An increasing number of the patients she counselled in her clinical practice also began to confide in her that they were having online affairs despite being in a permanent relationship.
Her research, based on AshleyMadison.com data, revealed 80 percent of South African men and women have had between one and five online and off-line affairs that started with cyber flirting. Each relationship lasted on average two to three months, and most went straight back online for more of the same.
She found that virtually none of those who go online in search of sexual variety and more adventurous sex have any qualms about it.
Although many engage in “virtual” sex while online, and many others meet up with their online partners for real-time sex, they don’t see it as a betrayal of their partners. And they don’t want a divorce or to dissolve their primary relationship.
“The majority of respondents said their primary expectation of their marriage is ‘best friends’, “ Wasserman revealed. “The women said: ‘I feel so alive. I’m having the greatest time of my life; meeting fantastic men, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been’.”
The men said internet sex gives them the satisfaction they want, without commitment, and makes them feel better about themselves and more optimistic about the future.
Other revelations in the book include the fact that both sexes reported their online sex was more adventurous and the majority of women reported that there was “far more kissing and cuddling” with partners they met online.
In a reversal of traditional archetypes, Wasserman’s research showed that while South African men spent up to five hours a week looking at online porn, women spent that amount of time each day doing the same. A large number of female respondents - 76.3 percent - had cybersex with their new online partners, and 20.2 percent said they formed an emotional connection with the men they met online.
About 21 percent of South African women were likely to take an online relationship into real sex between one and five days after hooking up with an online partner, with a further 27.9 percent meeting offline between 6 and 14 days after the first chat.
Men met up offline at a rate of 27.9 percent after one to five days, and 21.2 percent after six to 14 days.
This week she said that she was initially reluctant to collaborate with Biderman. Once she delved into the topic of online infidelity, however, she was hooked.
“When the site launched in South Africa in July 2012, I was very opposed to them and took them on in the media, on radio and in print,” said Wasserman.
“I felt they were creating a negative perception of marriage and fostering dangerous behaviour. Multiple partners equals an increased risk of HIV infection.But then I started to get a stream of clients talking about their cyber affairs, and I realised there was a new wave of sexual experimentation being conducted in cyberspace.”
Approached by Biderman to collaborate with his organisation, Wasserman stipulated there was to be no money exchange, “to allow me complete independence in my research”, and that she wanted unlimited access to his database. “The collaboration began in December 2012 and has consumed me ever since,” Wasserman said.
“My book is the first research-based volume to deal with cyber infidelity and its implications. I am positioning myself to be the global go-to person in this area of sexuality.”
To present the human face of cyber infidelity, the sexologist created fictitious online personas - a woman and a man - and admits that for two years she “engaged fully, fell in love, and met men offline in the role of my female persona”. She also set up an online forum for people to discuss their cyber affairs and used anecdotal information with the permission of men and women she counselled.
Wasserman said her findings into what women really want, sexually, had been an eye-opener.
“Women were a big surprise. I realised they are not, in fact, primarily relationship-driven. They own the online space. They are provocative and they are hunting, pushing the boundaries. They say that cyber infidelity increases their overall confidence and enhances their sexuality, and there is a corresponding improvement in sex with their real-life partners.”
The downside of Wasserman’s findings is the effect that a cyber affair has on the betrayed partner.
“They feel not only deceived, but that you have shared things with your online partner you never have, or don’t any more, with them,” she said.
“In cases of ‘normal’ infidelity there is pain and anger at the deception. But with cyber infidelity there is a lot of visual evidence. The betrayed woman can get printouts of your WhatsApp messages, and suddenly she knows you’ve spoken to your online lover 300 times in two days when the two of you barely talk any more. “
While the quantitative data the book comes from surveys she administered into the database of Ashleymadison. com, across South Africa, the UK, US, Australia and Canada, most of the narratives are from people she counselled.
Wasserman will be on Carte Blanche next Sunday and will be conducting a book tour in South Africa next month and a global promotional tour in Canada, the US and Australia following this.
Sunday Independent