Question: When my partner and I separated, I re-entered the dating scene after 25 years and signed up to a couple of websites. I clicked with one man, who admitted to many conquests in the past five years. I wanted to take things slowly to safeguard myself from sexually transmitted diseases, as his past behaviour had been quite reckless. I asked if he would mind going to a clinic for checks before we slept together. He told me I was being insulting, as we’re both “grown-ups in our 50s’, before cutting off contact with me. How can I tackle this delicate issue without offending my dates?
Answer: I applaud you for being sensible and sticking to your guns. Public health officials tell us that it’s precisely the fiftysomething generation of daters who are at risk from their sexual recklessness.
Many people in this age group can be surprisingly naive about the dangers of catching a sexually transmitted disease (STD) because they believe their peer group behave in a responsible manner.
Then there’s the fact that many people of the 50-plus generation grew up at a time where there wasn’t so much open debate about the perils of casual sex and they simply don’t know how to tackle the subject. Also, because the dangers of becoming pregnant disappear with menopause, many older daters dispense with barrier methods of contraception.
Finally, the phenomenon of internet dating means that older lovers have unprecedented opportunities to experiment with new partners, increasing the chance of spreading infections.
When you consider all this, it’s not surprising to discovered that since 2002 rates of syphilis have doubled and chlamydia has risen by 51 percent in the 35-64 age bracket. HIV infections have also risen sharply in that group.
And yet when Portsmouth’s health workers recently staged a “Generation Sex” workshop for the over-60s to promote safe practices it had to be cancelled for lack of interest.
If you know someone has played the field, then you are right to be very cautious about entering into a sexual relationship.
I have heard some sobering tales. One friend, a 55-year-old divorcee, had a brief fling with a man who confessed to a number of one-night stands and subsequently found she had contracted a STD. Although it was treatable, doctors cannot offer any reliable cure.
So this woman has been left in the position of knowing she must now tell any beau about her condition. She said: “It’s galling to realise that you were far more sensible in your 20s than you were in your 50s.”
Mind you, no one can pretend that there’s any easy way to ask a new suitor if they would consider having a check-up. It is just about the least romantic thing any adult can request of another.
But the plain truth is no new couple can play Romeo and Juliet when they hit middle-age; pretty much everyone has a past by then and the best thing is to confess to it.
You can’t even take for granted that someone who has been in a long relationship has never stepped outside it. Equally, their partner may have been unfaithful and not confessed to any liaisons.
I heard a distressing tale the other day from a woman who found out after ten years of marriage that her civil servant husband had been seeing prostitutes. She said that it was the fact he callously exposed her to STDs that shocked her most.
Truth be told, all sexually active single adults (and some of the partnered ones, sad to say) should have sexual MoTs on a regular basis.
I’ve canvassed a number of women about the best way to bring up this thorny topic when in the early stages of dating. They all say it’s best left until you feel a proper connection has been established with your date and that you trust one another.
One female friend said: “I don’t like bringing up the topic of sex for a couple of weeks, as it implies that’s all I want out of the relationship.
“I don’t want to go to bed with someone until I feel that we’ve got some sort of friendship and established common interests.”
Several women pointed out that the topic announces itself naturally if you do progress to the bedroom, because it’s normal for a woman who’s going to bed with her lover for the first time to insist he uses a condom. If the man objects, then it is equally rational to say you don’t feel comfortable having unprotected sex until you have both been to have a sexual check-up.
If you make the point that both of you should take this step, you avoid any hint of an insult. The only alternative is to embrace the topic over a drink with as much tact as you can.
Clearly you’d be tactful to preface the chat with a few sentences declaring you are sure you have nothing to worry about from him.
The vital thing to remember as you fret about being indelicate is that five minutes’ embarrassment is as nothing compared to the long-lasting misery of most STDs. - Daily Mail