London - Picture the scene: it’s Christmas morning, you are with the man you love and under the tree lies a mountain of enticing - and no doubt carefully chosen - gifts.
Perhaps that small box, from him to you, is that beautiful Tiffany necklace you’ve dropped so many hints about.
You excitedly tear off the paper, open the box... only to find a tacky silver necklace with a pair of miniature handcuffs attached. A sign of your unbreakable bond, you hope.
His second present is a long, thin box... and inside is a riding crop. The penny begins to drop, along with the tears of laughter and incredulity, as you open the last gift - a Bondage Beginner’s set complete with handcuffs, blindfold and a bottle of “liquid silk” lubrication.
Your husband has fallen hook, line and silk stocking for the latest and most cynical marketing ploy we’ve seen for some time.
The Fifty Shades Of Grey juggernaut, based on the erotic novel trilogy which has sold 100 million copies worldwide, has launched a merchandise collection in time for Christmas. But, believe me, it is about as sexy as a drawer full of your man’s mismatched old grey socks.
And every smutty item in the Fifty Shades Of Grey Official Pleasure Collection is personally endorsed by EL James, author of the best-selling books. The so-called “mistress of mommy porn” has even “personally blended” her own label of wine for anyone desperate to spice up their Christmas. I’m only surprised she didn’t call it Chateau Spank.
Has there ever been a naffer collection of tat? The books were bad enough, now we’ve got cheap bath oils, jewellery, lingerie, even make-up.
I read the first book. It was more slapstick than sadomasochism. What struck me most was how on earth could such badly written drivel even make it into print, let alone capture the imaginations of millions of (mostly) women.
For the uninitiated, it is the tale of an innocent reporter, Anastasia Steele, who is seduced into the lascivious web of multi-millionaire entrepreneur Christian Grey, who turns out to be a sadomasochist fetishist.
Grey gets his thrills by tying up our ingenue heroine to any available piece of furniture. He derives pleasure whipping, controlling and generally humiliating her, and she is enthralled by him.
You get the sordid picture.
Yet such has been its impact that DIY stores ran out of soft rope just days after the book’s release. So how better to capitalise on its success than bring out Fifty Shades Of Tat merchandising.
The Pleasure Collection has to be seen to be believed. Tacky ties in every shade of grey, as if most men don’t already have enough of them already. Then there’s the Sweet Sensation Sensual bath oil in Mr Grey’s “signature scent”, which is infused with bergamot, sandalwood, musk... and balderdash.
Many of the products are made by Lovehoney, a kinky online retailer which describes itself as “the sexual happiness people”.
But while the Fifty Shades collection certainly looks cheap, some items have a hefty price tag. The Mr Grey “tie necklace” is £125 (about R2 000) and the double handcuff necklace is £95. And then there are the riding crop drop earrings at £86.
There’s even a party board game, costing £25, that helps you to delve into the dirty minds of your friends. It is recommended for anyone aged 14 and over, presumably so you can introduce your teenagers to the world of sadomasochism in a family setting.
Will EL James be giving her two teenage boys, or even her husband, anything from her Pleasure Collection - which is nothing more than a cynical commercial exercise based on the darker recesses of sexual perversion in the hope of making a Christmas killing.
In fact, any man foolish enough to fall for all the hype and give his wife any of this dross will be sure of only one thing - 50 days of sleeping in the spare room.
It’s the turkey that should be tied up at Christmas, not the missus.
Daily Mail