QUESTION: My partner is 12 years younger than me (I’m 48), but even so he can’t keep up with me in bed. When I’m ready to make love again, he’s falling asleep. He says I’m not normal, which is what my former husband used to say. Most men seem scared of my libido. Should I rein in my desires to make my partner feel more secure?
ANSWER: The most inappropriate and irritating term anyone can use in relation to sex is “normal”.
A set palette of regular sexual behaviour doesn’t exist. Missionary may be more widely practised than other positions in the Kama Sutra, but that doesn’t make the rest “abnormal”.
But nowhere is the word “normal” of less relevance than in terms of libido. One person’s appetite for sex differs from the next.
I can see that you might be anxious if you wanted to sleep with everyone every minute of the day or if your desire vanished overnight, but a lust for the person you love is surely a compliment to them?
The real problem here is that your partner and ex have made you feel aberrant when they should have treasured your feelings for them. I am sure this has much to do with stereotypical perceptions of female sexual appetite. If your boyfriend wanted to make love more than you, everyone would find that “normal”.
There’s no doubt that a number of men feel uncomfortable in the face of such urgency. They seem to feel emasculated if their partner’s lust outstrips their own.
I can’t help wondering if your partner is intimidated by the fact you’re older and more confident in bed? Have you broached this?
The fact is many women have vibrant libidos and those who put a high premium on their sex lives often experience no slacking off as they approach the menopause, contrary to popular opinion.
You’re not the only female I know with a younger partner who feels more lustful than they do. Women often find their sexual peak later than men because they feel more relaxed and happier in their skin.
The struggle then, as you are finding, is to retain that happiness and not let anyone else dent it.
I don’t see how it would profit you to “rein in your desire”. A sex life built on pretence isn’t healthy. If you love one another, you should be able to discuss this.
He shouldn’t feel under pressure to keep up, while you need to accept that he feels like once is enough. Then, in a fair exchange, he has to acknowledge your appetites.
The pair of you could make more time for foreplay so there’s an opportunity for you to have several orgasms.
You may even find he becomes more libidinous once he’s freed from any implicit rebuke about unequal desire.
If not, then you may need to reconsider the relationship. No one thrives when their passion is dampened. Remember William Blake: “Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained ... And being restrained it by degrees becomes passive, till it is only a shadow of desire.” - Daily Mail