Question: How do I cope with my partner not being sexually attracted to me? In the past several years of my first long-term relationship (when I was in my twenties), it was mostly sexless, and future partners always assured me that would never happen with them.
But now, many, many years later, I am 10 years into my marriage, and sex dropped off dramatically seven years ago after our first child was born. It started again as we worked on a second child, and since she was born, my spouse tells me that she has no libido.
I've asked her whether it is something I've done. I've tried to stay in shape, but that hasn't changed the situation. She assures me that it isn't about me.
She is in therapy for depression, is on medication and does additional treatments, and she is aware that she doesn't want to have sex anymore. She doesn't even want to touch me, and when we try, she gets upset.
Assuming she can't change, what do I do? Is there something wrong with me? How do I handle my feelings of rejection and anger? I can satisfy myself in private, but I feel cheated. I know she feels guilty about it, and I don't want to add to her burden.
I love my wife and my family, and I would never leave them; I don't want to hurt them by going outside my marriage. In a moment of desperation, I visited a questionable massage parlour and was racked with guilt for months.
Am I alone in this situation? How do others cope with a sexless marriage? I'm trying to adjust to the fact that I will never have sex again.
- Anonymous
Answer: What would your marriage look like today if you and your partner were the first married couple? Like, no one else had ever been married, or even thought of the concept of marriage, until you decided to.
The question is a thought exercise, of course. But I think it's a helpful exercise for you and other couples experiencing marital unease and unhappiness to consider.
We forget sometimes that, once you account for the legal ramifications of it, a marriage can exist in whatever way you and your partner want it to.
But we tend to model the interiority of our present-day marriages on what we've learnt that marriage should be – a sexually, spiritually, emotionally and even financially monogamous partnership – instead of what it could be.
My response to your question is different now than it would have been 10 years ago. Then, I think I would have advised that if you and your partner couldn't come to an agreement about sex, and that if it's a fundamental incompatibility that's causing you both grief, pain and shame, then you should find more compatible partners.
But after being married for eight years, and knowing first-hand how the people inside a marriage can change and grow and evolve as time passes, my response now is: Why can't you stay together, keep the family intact, stay in love, but find the sexual fulfilment… elsewhere? I'm not saying that monogamy is anachronistic; it works for many couples. But if it's not working for you, maybe try something different.
(It must be said that there are those who believe that we generally put too much of a premium on sex, and that a sexless marriage can be a happy one. I agree. A sexless and happy marriage is possible. I also believe that people who desire that should find each other and be happy and sexless together.)
Anyway, before trying "something different," it would be helpful if you both went to a therapist, together. You have (understandable) guilt and shame about sex, undoubtedly influenced by your predicament and the old trauma of feeling rejected during your first long-term partnership.
And perhaps there's something psychological or physiological happening that's affecting your wife's libido.
Also – and perhaps most importantly – there's a vast communication deficit happening here. Have you told your wife about your shame and anger? (And included the context of your previous relationship?) Is she aware of your visit to the massage parlour?
Is your wife experiencing postpartum depression, which is common and might be exacerbated by a visibly upset partner moping around the house?
Lack of communication could lead to lack of libido, which could lead to lack of communication and so on. You two need to have some candid, vulnerable and uncomfortable conversations with each other to get to the bone of the issue. You can start by telling her what you've told me. Then you need to listen. What does she want? What makes her happy?
If, after you've communicated openly, there's no resolution – but you remain committed to staying married – I don't see the harm in contemplating and eventually constructing a marriage where everyone's needs are fulfilled, even if that means going outside the partnership, in an ethical way, for the fulfilment.
Forget about history, forget about expected behaviour and established mores, forget about what other people might think. Instead, think radically about what you and your wife want, what would bring you joy and satisfaction, and pursue it.
Damon Young is a contributing columnist to The Washington Post Magazine. He is the author of "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker: A Memoir in Essays."