QUESTION: My sister, her husband and I booked a house for a family holiday this year, so our teenage children could spend time together. I'm divorced but taking my partner of two months with me. My sister has now emailed me, saying she hopes we're not going to get “touchy-feely” in front of her children, and has allocated us a twin room. I am outraged. What should I do?
ANSWER: Your sister is being tactless, hostile and uptight but I also wonder if you were seeing your partner when the original plan was formed. Most holiday homes are booked months in advance, so I guess not.
The addition of an extra person into a family dynamic can prove a challenge - albeit one your sister's not rising to very well.
Maybe her marriage isn't totally happy (or she and her husband aren't having as much sex as they used to). If so, there's nothing like the sight of newly enamoured lovebirds to make long-established couples feel insecure.
When your sister says she doesn't want you to get touchy-feely in front of her children, I'm certain she actually means “in front of me”. She can't bring herself to admit the unease, or perhaps jealousy, so she's putting the onus on her offspring. But the children aren't infants, so (presuming they are normal teens, who watch The Inbetweeners) they're far beyond being scarred by the sight of adults getting cosy.
That doesn't mean they won't groan, moan and react with exaggerated horror at the thought of grown-ups enjoying physical intimacy!
But I'm sure you know all this from your own experience - I can't imagine you perch on your bloke's knee when your kids are around. So, your sister is being patronising in imagining that you will behave inappropriately. Perhaps you just need to tell her this, in a non-inflammatory way.
The twin-room imposition is a slightly more complex issue.
Your sister should have talked it through with you first, but she may be right that it's better for the children (your children) if you don't rush to flaunt the sexual side of your relationship.
I've no idea when you and your husband divorced, but it's likely your teens are still feeling the fall-out. They're likely to be concerned for your happiness and anxious that your new beau might swallow up all your attention. They'll also be wondering how long he will stick around: after all, you've only been with him for two months.
Most of the divorced women I know have waited some time (usually a year) before sharing a bed with a new man when their children are around.
After all, you can always have him over when your teens see their dad or stay with friends. I know you feel angry and hurt by your sister's email but you need to remember that your children's emotional stability is the thing that matters.
The real question, though, is why on earth do you want to take your boyfriend on the holiday? I'd be very reluctant to immerse a new man into family dynamics after only two months. And I'd feel inhibited by the watchful eyes of my relations. Far better to book a holiday à deux where you can behave as inappropriately as you darn well please. - Daily Mail