QUESTION: My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for six. We love each other very much and I feel very lucky to have him as my partner and as the father of our young child.
I would describe our sex life as mediocre, even before our son was born. We don’t do it as often as I’d like, or as often as I feel is good for a healthy marriage. I am the one who always brings the subject up for discussion.
In the past few years, we have come to realise that he just doesn’t have a very high sex drive and is quite shy about sex.
We have been very happy recently and last weekend had a long overdue and very enjoyable date night (including sex).
The next morning, I walked in on my husband in the bathroom “satisfying himself”.
He tried to cover it up and I felt so bad for him because he looked so embarrassed. I apologised for not knocking and gave him a hug and said that it was okay.
What I didn’t realise until afterwards is that he was looking at his phone, so when I asked him about it he said he was looking at photos.
I thought I would have been okay with this, but I’m not.
For years, I’ve asked my husband if he looks at porn, and I’ve asked him to be honest with me because I would be fine with it, as I presumed a lot of men did. He has always said that he doesn’t.
First of all, I feel like an idiot for falling for that, but I trusted him.
Second, I am going through lots of emotions – “does he not find me attractive?”, “why does he need porn when he has me?”, “why does he not have sex with me, but looks at pictures of other women instead?”
I presume it’s only natural to have those feelings as a woman, no matter how liberal you are.
Most of all, I feel completely betrayed because he lied to me – time and time again. He said that he was embarrassed and he didn’t want to hurt me. He has hurt me, though, because he has lied to me for 10 years, and now I have to deal with the issue of porn in my relationship for the first time.
I’m so hurt and confused and can’t talk to anybody about this. How will I ever trust him again? Why does he prefer doing this behind my back instead of working on our sex life?
ANSWER: That was an unfortunate experience for you both. I think it is interesting that you frequently asked your husband over the years if he looked at porn and assured him that if he did you would have no problem with it. Then, when you find out that he looks at it, you are horrified and had a totally different reaction from the one you told him you would have. You say that you now have trust issues, but surely so has he.
You and your husband have already realised that his sex drive is lower than yours, as a result of discussions that you rightly had with him.
You seem to be the one who has been in charge of trying to make things better, and indeed things were going well until the bathroom incident.
Guys differ a lot in what they use for arousal – for some it is purely mental, for others it can be very visual, which is obviously the case for your husband.
I don’t think this necessarily means he doesn’t find you attractive – visual imagery is probably what he has always used and he may have been feeling a bit more turned on than usual because of the good time he had with you.
But please don’t continue to demand answers from him as to why he always told you he didn’t use porn, as it will be of no benefit to the relationship and will only make him more guarded and uncommunicative.
Satisfying himself and satisfying you are not mutually exclusive, so continue to work on your sex life together and let that be your focus. – Irish Independent