QUESTION: I’m 51, with a loving wife and four lovely children, and I’m addicted to pornography.
I have everything I need: money, love, health, sex and happiness. But now and again, I log on to various websites and spend a couple of hours locked in my guilty secret. It is rough stuff, though I’ve never viewed anything involving children.
Afterwards, I feel total shame and self-loathing. My family have no idea about this as I’m very careful. I am terrified of being found out, when all hell would break loose. Please help me.
Yours sincerely, Andrew
ANSWER: Writing a letter to me has been the first step in trying to deal with this problem. But you need to tell someone else - a very close friend who you are sure you can trust, or your doctor… anyone. Just the act of telling will begin to get this addiction out of the darkness and into the light. And addictions don't like light. Obviously, if you could tell your wife, so much the better, but I imagine that this would be a step too far.
Next, remember that just because children aren't involved doesn't mean that the sadistic stuff you're watching isn't completely victimless. Women - or, even, perhaps, men - are being exploited to gratify your desires. When pain is inflicted, it hurts. Just because it's on film doesn't mean it's not real.
Now, what to do when you get the urge? Imagine your children coming in on you and watching you watching it. I would imagine that the kick you get from the pornography being tittilatingly wicked would soon diminish if you could summon up thoughts of the children every time you logged on to these sites.
Then, ring someone, if you're tempted, instead of logging on. If you join Porn Addicts Anonymous, which is a 12-step group based on the lines of Alcoholics Anonymous, you can find people who will understand when you reach out to them, who won't judge, and who will try to persuade you to turn your mind to other things. Then, too, if one of your family does discover your addiction before, hopefully, you've managed to give it up, you at least have the evidence that you know it's a problem and that you're trying to do something about it.
Next, put a filter on your computer. Now, I know that if you put a filter on, then you can undo the filter, but it means there will be just one more barrier to logging on.
And try fantasy. Millions and millions of people indulge in sadistic or masochistic sexual fantasies, and never actually feel compelled to watch anything. They can do it all in their heads. See if you can't practise this. It won't be the same, but it will at least be harmless.
I have one last thought: your life sounds so irritatingly perfect that I wonder if there isn't an element of aggression towards your wife that you're leaking out in this behaviour? It could be a way of channelling suppressed anger towards her and, indeed, towards your idyllic life, which sounds, I hate to say, a little unreal. Would seeing a counsellor on your own help unpick some of these feelings?
Whatever, you've taken a first step, so do make real efforts to stop. Otherwise, I'm afraid, it will only get worse and what started out as a once-a-week habit may start to take over your life.
The Independent