QUESTION: I’ve been with my husband for 24 years and thought our sex life was ok, even if it’s dwindled a bit recently. So I was shocked when he said I use sex (the lack of it) to punish him, claiming every time we argue I turn my back on him in bed. If I don’t want to make love, it’s because I’m drained by work and our three teenage kids. How can we resolve this?
ANSWER: This strikes me as one of those rows where you’re both wrong and right.
Let’s start with your husband. It is ill-judged of him to accuse you of starving him of sex deliberately, when he hasn’t begun to acknowledge the stresses that deplete your energy.
When raising children, there can be all too little time and space left for spouses — but even less for yourself. No wonder you don’t feel like sex. Now let’s try to see things from his point of view. He’s not looking at the wider emotional landscape, so much as immediate, localised concerns. If he says you won’t make love after a row, then I imagine that’s true. And perhaps that act of rejection goes on longer than you realise?
Think back 20 years. How would you have resolved arguments then? Isn’t it likely you would have made love to heal any divide? That tends to be the way in the early stages of a relationship — and sex remains the most effective ways of soothing a marital rumpus.
I do not begin to believe women should act like surrendered wives. But sometimes you need to get off that high horse and remember the unique pleasures of reconciliation.
It’s often easier to talk through a dispute after sex, rather than letting the disagreement fester. And when you deprive your other half of physical love, you’re often depriving yourself, too.
But your husband has to recognise you can’t respond to his advances if you’re burdened by the majority of the household’s cares. Being generous to your beloved is far more effective in bed than any aphrodisiac. - Daily Mail