QUESTION: After finding myself single again in my 50s, I’ve enjoyed a couple of months of fun, if slightly uninspiring, sex with an old college friend.
When he asked about our future, I was honest and said I didn’t think we had one. Now he’s angry and says he feels used. But I was clear it was a fling from the beginning. Is there any hope of resurrecting our friendship after this?
ANSWER: It’s amazing how people in sexual situations often wilfully misinterpret plain English. That’s why one lover can say: “Let’s have a fling!” and the other hears: “Let’s start something deep and meaningful!”
Is it possible you deliberately misread signs, too, and knew he wanted a more serious relationship? You’ve been friends for years, so you must know him well. Has there always been attraction? It’s rare for erotic feelings to spring from nowhere. Has passion always been a bit lop-sided?
I am not blaming you. Your friend is a grown-up and it’s obvious you tried to be clear. But the second you enter into a sexual liaison, you are dealing with the unpredictable human heart.
Many people love the idea of a “no strings” relationship, but it’s rarely that simple. You say sex was ‘uninspiring’, but perhaps it was the most enthralling liaison of his life. You did the right thing ending it, but did you let him down gently?
It won’t be easy to fix. Who wants to be the person who wasn’t exciting enough in bed for repeat performances? I’d compose a tactful letter of apology for misinterpreting his intentions and use it to list everything you value about him.
Perhaps tell him the physical side was wonderful, even if it’s not strictly true, so he can salvage some pride. Then let him nurse his wounds. There are no guarantees it will work. The path from ‘just friends’ to lovers can be quick and easy, but the way back is almost always less certain.
Daily Mail