QUESTION: My partner of a year has the habit or answering his mobile when we’re in bed making love. He claims he has to answer the phone, as he runs a large company and it could be one of his clients. He says they expect him to solve their problems immediately. However, the evening calls are often from his kids (like me, he’s divorced with two children) and he’ll answer them, even if we’re in the most intimate stages of sex. I find his behaviour soul-destroying. We’ve had huge rows about it and I’ve begged him to turn the phone off. He says I am forcing him to choose between his work and me.
ANSWER: So there are three of you in this relationship: you, your partner and his mobile phone. No wonder you are feeling distraught.
It’s galling enough to deal with another woman, but insulting beyond measure if your love rival is a gizmo. I applaud your restraint at not having taken a sledgehammer to the wretched thing before now.
I would understand if your boyfriend was a surgeon on call, but otherwise being constantly available isn’t quite the same.
By far the most disturbing aspect of the notorious Paris Hilton sex tape One Night In Paris (I watched it for research reasons) was the moment when Ms Hilton answered her mobile mid-coitus.
I wondered whether her then boyfriend, Rick Salomon, had released the tape in revenge.
Would Romeo have said: “It is the east and Juliet is the sun. Arise [briiiiiiiing] - oh, hang on a sec babe, Mercutio needs a word.” Hardly.
In short, I don’t think you are over-reacting. Your fella is being plain rude. Making love is the most sacred form of intimacy and bringing your phone into it is tantamount to introducing another person into the bedroom for a chat.
It reduces sex to a trivial activity that comes way below work in the pecking order, as well as second to a nice natter with the kids.
The fact that your partner does not see this is just another indication of how new technology has distorted the normal rules of etiquette. Mobiles are answered over lunch, mid-conversation, at the cinema and at shop counters.
There’s a reason that BlackBerries have been dubbed “crackberries”: smartphones can be addictive as owners kid themselves that every single call is of utmost importance and must be answered right now.
One friend of mine told me that she was once at a critical moment in lovemaking, late on a Saturday night, when her boyfriend’s phone rang and he started discussing the result of a football match with his best friend. He stopped only when she snatched the phone from his hand and flung it out of the window. End of both phone and relationship.
I am going to assume that, despite his telephonic rudeness, your lover has some admirable qualities and it’s worth trying to salvage things.
Perhaps he’s Italian (I’ve noticed Latin men seem to have an even greater umbilical tie to their phone than those of other nationalities) and can’t help himself without dedicated counselling?
If he’s kind and perceptive in other areas, I think this relationship can be salvaged, but you need to be firm. To explain when phone use is unacceptable, you probably need to outline circumstances under which it is acceptable.
For example, you might tolerate the answering of a mobile if you were engaged in a clinch during working hours (9am to 6pm) and knew that one of your boyfriend’s clients was desperately struggling with an emergency issue.
You are, after all, a reasonable person. You realise that love must sometimes wait for affairs of state to cease. After 6pm, however, most people can be reasonably expected to have a “private life”.
Admittedly, his two children are part of that private life, but he should no more take a phone call from them during sex than if they were there in person.
Point out that if his kids shared your domestic space, he wouldn’t invite them in for a chat while you were making love and the same rule must apply to the phone.
If your man still doesn’t understand what you’re saying, you need to stage a practical demonstration.
Prime a friend to phone you at a set time and make sure you’re engaged in whatever sexual act your man likes at that moment.
When your phone rings, you must leap out of bed and start a breezy conversation, leaving your partner half way to ecstasy.
Alternatively, you could start a text conversation while he’s engaged in foreplay with you.
Or you could ask your children to knock on your bedroom door late at night at the weekend and ask them in for a long chat while your partner’s in bed with you.
Sometimes the only remedy is to fight fire with fire. If he still doesn’t get the message, I’d show both man and mobile the back door.
If he’s that inconsiderate in the first year of your relationship, imagine what he’ll be like in ten. - Daily Mail