QUESTION: I enjoy sex, but have suffered from the same problem all my life and really want now - at the age of 47 - to do something about it. To put it plainly, it takes me a long time to reach orgasm. Half the time I just tell my partner that I’m fine, when I actually feel both embarrassed and frustrated. I experienced exactly the same difficulties when I was young and during my ten-year marriage, so it’s got nothing to do with my age. I can tell it perplexes my boyfriend, who prides himself on being a considerate lover. I’m worried he’ll lose patience with me.
ANSWER: I do not mean to sound trite, but the phrase “a watched kettle never boils” comes to mind. Isn”t it true that whenever you concentrate on how long something takes to happen, the world perversely slows to a snail’s pace?
You are so sensitive to the notion that you’re taking ages to reach orgasm it’s impossible to tell whether that’s really the case.
After all, there’s no internationally approved timetable for these things. What you regard as an embarrassingly long time to reach ecstasy may be someone else’s short - or normal.
Those few who can attain this state of pleasure on a hair-trigger may well envy you the capacity to enjoy a lengthy session in bed.
You say you “can tell” your boyfriend is perplexed by what’s happening - but perhaps what really troubles him is your extreme sensitivity to the issue.
It seems clear that every time you have sex you put yourself on a stopwatch, which must stop you losing yourself in the moment.
Having good sex is all about uninhibited pleasure and letting go, so of course it’s hard to tip over the brink if you’re feeling uptight and judging yourself.
It’s quite normal for women to take longer to reach orgasm than men, so why beat yourself up?
Many of the women I know defer all thoughts of having reaching this state during “quickie” sex, but that doesn’t mean they’re not feeling fulfilled.
You somehow need to re-programme yourself; at the minute you’re so focused on your destination that you’re giving little heed to the pleasure of the journey.
If you’re taking great pleasure in having sex with your boyfriend, why judge things by the number of orgasms scored?
It’s time to concentrate on this less. You need to talk to your partner and tell him you’ve got yourself into a tizzy and you’d like to make this less of an issue. If it happens, great, but if it doesn’t, it’s no big deal.
It’s imperative you talk to your partner in any case. If he truly thinks his sexual prowess is being called into question (although I rather doubt it, since I think this is a projection of your own fears), then he needs to hear you say that it’s not the case.
But, more importantly, if you want to move forward you need to enlist his support.
He needs to know not to push things when you’re feeling too stressed or self-conscious.
In that scenario there’s nothing worse than the super-attentive lover who refuses to give up while you feel more and more defective.
He’s got to learn - as much as you have - that you can have incredible, emotive sex without having an orgasm.
Show your partner the triggers you use to reach your highest state of pleasure.
Our sexual pleasure is not as centred, as men’s, around one erogenous zone, so women can prove far more diverse in the ways we respond to stimulation. I am sure your partner already knows what works for one woman may be anti-erotic for another.
If you’re stuck for inspiration, why don’t you flick through a sex manual together?
There have been some good new additions to the genre in recent years.
James McConnachie’s The Rough Guide To Sex (part of the Rough Guide travel series) is a user-friendly, non cringe-worthy volume, full of interesting information and tips; it dispenses with the idea that there’s one “normal” way to make love.
In the end, however, I suspect this is all about permission.
You need to give yourself a big green light to have sex in the way that best suits you.
Your partner will only lose patience with you if you continue to judge yourself so harshly about your orgasm timescale - it’s never fun to go to bed with someone who’s fretting rather than frolicking.
The truth is, people tend to take us at our own estimation.
If you can learn to think of yourself as a sexy woman who’s good in bed, then I am sure he will, too. - Daily Mail