QUESTION: I have always lived in the shadow of my gorgeous younger sister. All the men I ever took home fell for her and one even told me: “You are pretty, but she’s the one with sex appeal.” I ended up living abroad for 12 years to avoid comparisons. Now I’ve returned and have started going out with an old friend who got divorced while I was away. He keeps saying how great it would be to meet up with my sister and I’ve become paranoid that he’s only with me to get close to her. I’ve become withdrawn in bed and I know I’m pushing him away with my jealousy. How can I conquer my fears?
ANSWER: We all know of a female from our past who drew all the men to her, like moths to the flame. Indeed, the only ones who don’t bang on about it are those few lucky souls who were the goddesses. What’s interesting is how long that shadow has darkened your path.
I still subscribe to the belief that one friend of mine (25 years after we were teenagers together) has a near occult ability to enchant any man in her vicinity.
I feel this even though the rational side of my brain knows she’s happily married, has two children, has aged like the rest of us, and has no interest whatsoever in seducing anyone. Somehow I will always feel a little less attractive if I am standing next to her.
If it’s hard to escape the spectre of an uber-vixen friend, how much harder is it to escape feeling overshadowed by a dazzling sister?
I have two female siblings, so I know exactly how that kind of rivalry works. We adore one another, but often seem frozen in certain roles in relation to one another.
I can’t help wondering if your sister played up her seductress role in the past because you, as the older one, were viewed as the mature and responsible sibling? Or even, perhaps, as the intelligent and successful child?
Very often one sibling is so focused on their own insecurities they can’t see another also struggles with low self-esteem, albeit in differing ways.
I think it would be cathartic for you to take your sister out for lunch, or a drink, so you can talk through your fears. She may not realise how much she cramps your style or, alternatively, she may have noted ways in which you become unconfident and self-sabotaging around her.
She may even resent the fact you feel relationships are easy for her. This kind of behaviour and rivalry is unhelpful for both of you and you need to lay it to rest, so you can enjoy a good relationship as adults.
It’s crucial that you feel you can be in the presence of both your sister and boyfriend simultaneously without feeling second best.
The alternative - fleeing your entire family because you’re not brave enough to stand comparisons with one member - will only fuel your paranoia.
Indeed, my golden rule of thumb is that a new partner should be paraded in front of all of a woman’s most attractive female friends and relatives, because it’s a good way of testing where his focus lies. If he flirts with anyone else, he’s probably not a good long-term bet.
One of the things I adore about my spouse was that when he first met my old friends he was surprised some of them were widely considered to be sex-bombs.
He refused to believe that I could have felt unattractive beside them. Hasn’t it occurred to you that the same thing might happen with your partner?
Yes, he has expressed an interest in seeing your sister, but that’s presumably because he knows you both as old friends. If he wanted to go out with her, she wouldn’t have been hard for him to track down. Instead, he chose you.
It’s time to grow up. Can’t you see that all around you there are thousands of mature women who aren’t sexy sirens in a conventional sense, but are confident of their own allure to their partners?
Do you see them doubting their worth because there happen to be a few females who are more blatantly drop-dead gorgeous?
The wonderful thing about being an adult is realising that proper love is founded on more than a bit of shallow va-va-voom. I am sure your boyfriend relishes the fact you have lived abroad and have an independent cast of mind.
I am sure also that you have acquired (as most of us do) a sexual sophistication, which you don’t give yourself enough credit for.
You need to stop sniping away at yourself, banish all envy and stop viewing yourself through the prism of sisterhood.
Jealousy is such an unpleasant, corrosive, escalating emotion that it can destroy everything in its path before you realise you’ve pressed the detonator.
You must recognise that it’s you who is bringing your sister into the bedroom - making her the ghost in the bed - not your partner. If you can banish every thought of her and focus on your man instead, your lovemaking should regain its zest. - Daily Mail