QUESTION: I’ve been celibate for almost five years. I am trying to wait until I am married to have sex again, but it’s becoming extremely hard. My male and female friends tell me to just get on with it, but a male relationship expert says, “Wait until marriage”. Is it ever okay for a woman to just “get on with it” with no strings attached and still be considered a lady? I don’t want a list of men, but this celibacy thing is wearing me down, especially since I haven’t had a date since Jesus parted the Red Sea. Sigh. – CN
ANSWER: Huh? It’s 2013. If you want to have sex with no strings attached, then that’s your business. You can be called loose whether you’ve had sex with one person or 100. Labelling like that is just about controlling your sexuality, not a genuine concern for your well-being or soul.
You’re wondering what people will say if they find out. I’m wondering why you are telling others about what goes on in your bedroom. It’s none of their business.
As for your celibacy, I don’t know whether to congratulate you or console you. It’s fine not to have sex, even if it seems as if everybody else is doing it. But your reasons for not engaging concern me. It seems that you’re sticking to this choice only because of the rantings of an arbitrary male relationship expert and because you don’t want to be judged by society’s double standard about women who have sex. Those aren’t good reasons to be celibate, especially when it doesn’t seem that you want to be.
I’m less concerned about what the relationship expert thinks and more concerned about what you think. Do you think you’ll regret it or feel guilty if you have sex? Then don’t do it. If you think you’ll be just fine, do it. It’s your body. You can do what you want or not with it, as long as it isn’t harming anyone else.
If you give it some thought and decide that you do want to remain celibate until marriage, have a heart-to-heart with your friends about being more supportive of your choice. Celibacy is a hard choice, and it’s so much harder if you don’t have friends who respect your decision.
Whatever you decide, I recommend that you set up an account on an online dating site for the obvious reason that you can begin dating again. I find that a lot of celibate women who are waiting until marriage to have sex are not actively dating, which makes me wonder how they ever expect to find a husband and have sex.
For many, dating and sex are one and the same, but they don’t have to be. You can set your limits where you see fit. – The Root / The Washington Post News Service