Like a lot of women, you probably haven’t mastered the art of asking for what you really want ‘down there’. Some of us are embarrassed. We think he won’t like it.
We’re so unnerved by the idea of anyone actually wanting to spend time licking away at our bits, we’d rather die than offer any suggestions, but this is why, if we’re not careful, we’ll end up enduring a lifetime of average oral sex when with a few basic tweaks, hints and directions, it could be mind blowing. Here’s how...
See you down there
Even in these enlightened times, there are still a few men who would rather save their mouths for talking about themselves, but with a little encouragement even the most selfish individuals can be induced to give great oral sex – and enjoy it. They just need to feel like it was their idea all along.
Oral sex is reciprocal, annoyingly. So if you clench your teeth and shake your head whenever he tries to herd you towards his penis, no wonder he’s not bothered. It’s only fair to share, so if you’ve done your stint in the backwoods, so should he. A simple “is it my turn now?” should do it, and if not, he’s rude and thoughtless, and what are you doing in bed with him?
Keeping yourself nice down there may go against all the rules of old-school feminism – he’s supposed to love doing it anyway, and even if your bits look like Sleeping Beauty’s forest he should still want to get to the secret tower. Still, just as you prefer his penis to be clean and tidy it’s only polite to make the same effort.
A simple trim will do just fine, although most men won’t complain if you’re a Brazilian kind of girl. Don’t shave though. The resulting itching will be unbearable, and he’ll probably assume you’ve got crabs. Just neaten up the edges, and avoid deodorisers; most men love the natural scent of a woman and don’t want to be inhaling you through a noseful of Hawaiian Lotus body-wash.
If he needs a bigger hint, it generally works if you sit on his face – though not too heavily, mind, he still needs to breath. If that’s too full on, maneuver yourself into a 69 position and begin to lick him hopefully. He’d be very churlish not to return the favour.
Talking dirty can also do the trick. Simply give him a heart stopping kiss and then whisper, “That’s how I’d like you to kiss my clit.” Then watch the puff of smoke as he speeds his way down there.
A word about bristles (his, not yours). Some girls love the feel of a stubbly chin placed in the hollow of their vagina and find it extremely stimulating. Others find it unbelievably painful, so if that’s you, offer to shave him first (only if you know how), and make it part of your seduction.
Know what you want
Before you can enjoy great oral sex, it’s essential that you discover what you really like and what’s just average. He won’t have a clue, so it’s your job to explore your preferences before you can share them with him. Some of this you can do alone and some together, which is exactly the sort of homework he’ll love.
Unless you’re highly adventurous, you’re unlikely to be watching anyone else have oral sex, but it can help to see what a guy does down there, which is where porn comes in. Female friendly porn, obviously, rather than Anal Ravers Six or whatever he’s got tucked away in his sock drawer.
Something relatively educational, will show you exactly what a tongue can do, then you can try replicating the strokes with your fingers and some wet lube to see if you like it as much as that gasping actress seems to.
Oral sex emulators aren’t always effective (hey, you can’t beat the real thing), but if you feel you can only do so much with your fingers, perhaps a toy like the Ling-O with lashings of lube will help with your sexperimentation.
If you’re with a guy who’s willing to experiment (and if not, why not?) you can enlist his help in reviewing a range of cunning lick positions.
You can get great seasonal tips from books like Michelle Pauli’s The Outdoor Kama Sutra (Apple), or you can make them up as you go along.
For example, try sitting on the edge of the bed so you pull your bum cheeks back, open your legs, and use your hand to stretch back your labia – the extra exposure can multiply orgasms for some women (but be a little too sensitising for others).
Weird but effective: get him to write the alphabet with his tongue on your clitoris. If that doesn’t float your little man in the boat, ask him to draw out a figure eight, looping your clitoris and vaginal opening with the pointed tip of his tongue.
Finally, if he puts a finger or two just inside your vagina while he’s licking your clit, it can speed up your orgasm so much that you’ll still have time to watch Desperate Housewives before bed.
READ: 10 reasons the sex sucks and how to fix it
Tell it like it is
Often couples with the best intentions end up enduring a rubbish sex life purely because they’ve never learned how to communicate. Either they’re embarrassed about saying it’s not perfect or they’re shy, or they worry what they’re asking for is strange and laughable. But until you both learn to say what you want it’ll never be all that, when – with just a few simple communication tricks – it could be all that and more.
If at all possible, take the easy option and tell him what you want. Otherwise you’ll lie there, hopelessly frustrated, as he makes a series of guesses and prods like a confused foreign doctor. A simple, “Ooh, yeah, baby, just a bit slower,” delivered in a way that suggests he’s doing brilliantly, will do the trick.
If you’re not the talking kind, then you’ll have to rely on non verbal communication. Show him where to go by tilting your pelvis, arching your hips towards him when you want more pressure, and even gripping his hair to reposition his head in exactly the right place, which can seem kinky and animalistic if done correctly.
If he keeps returning to the positions he knows and loves, change your own position to make that difficult for him. For example, if you prefer side-to-side strokes over your clitoris and he prefers going up and down, move your body so you’re at a right angle to him. Problem solved.
Encourage him to ask questions (albeit slightly muffled ones). Say, “are you OK down there?” and, “do you need me to shift a bit, darling?” to let him know this is a joint experience.
Go online together. You may feel you know everything there is to know, but you’d be amazed at how many handy tips and suggestions you can discover from real people when you do a bit of surfing. We love www.CunnilingusTutor.com.
Try the hot ‘n’ cold game trick: when he’s doing better say, “warmer,” right up to “boiling hot, ohmigod, don’t stop.”
Make it even better
Now you’re having great oral sex, it’s time to pour you head first into the turbo charged version with some mega maximiser tips.
Men who don’t have sensitive nips themselves might simply forget to bother with your nipples, but concentrating only on your clitoris is like getting ice cream without the chocolate sauce. The best way for him to fine tune your orgasm with nipple play is for him to lie directly between your legs, arms stretched up to your breasts. Looks stupid – feels fantastic.
While he’s circling his tongue on your clitoris, encourage him to slide two fingers just inside your vagina and circle the entrance. This builds orgasmic sensations without disturbing the rhythm he’s got going on at clitsville.
There’s a bloke joke that goes, “What was the worst blowjob you’ve ever had?” “Fantastic.” For women it’s different; even if all the right ingredients are in place we can still talk ourselves out of enjoying oral sex with our own niggling inner voices. If you’re lying there thinking “Oh no, maybe I smell a bit odd...” and, “am I trimmed enough?” you’re obviously going to struggle to enjoy yourself.
Before you even begin, you need to think yourself into a place of erotic fantasy and allow him to use his fingers to get you to the point where you’re ready to shove his head down there. Oral sex from a standing start is seldom a great idea for the less-than-totally confident.
On the other hand, if you’re outrageously confident, slip a lubed up string of anal beads into your derriere before he starts. The feeling of fullness will intensify his every move, then get him to gently pull them out right as you start to orgasm for the most intense climax known to womankind.
How to get him back for more
Of course, if it’s gone brilliantly, you’ll want him to come back and do it all again soon, but some lovers tend towards the lazy end of the spectrum, particularly in long term relationships. Fear not: we have an incentive scheme that’ll guarantee repeat performances...
Praise is essential – one of the most common complaints you hear from men is that they can’t tell whether we’re enjoying ourselves or not. He doesn’t know he’s done it right till you tell him, so lots of appreciative noises, followed (post orgasm) by a bit of ‘that was amazing, wow, you’re incredible” and so on, will make him feel like he’s King of the Hill, or should that be King of the Mound...
It’s tedious but it’s true: every good turn deserves another. If he’s gone down, it’s only fair to return the favour.
If he’s truly lazy, consider setting up a supermarket style Reward Scheme. Basically, he gets stuff in return for sexual favours, and vice versa. So you could offer to, say, buy him tickets to the rugby in return for half an hour of committed oral sex. Admittedly it veers perilously close to prostitution and blackmail, but hey, you love each other, so where’s the harm? And if it means the best orgasms of your life...
Be ever fresh. You never know when a sudden urge to go down on you might overtake him, so it’s essential to make the experience as pleasant as possible for him. It’s really not a turn on, however, if you clamp your legs tightly crossed and say, “I haven’t washed! I’m not trimmed! You can’t!” Should you find yourself in that position, simply smile sweetly, sidestep him firmly and say, “Mind if I freshen up?” then nip to loo and make good.
If you’re brave and you trust him, take pictures of him in action on your phone or a digital camera and make them as pornographic as possible. Then all you have to do is text him the image as a reminder of what you want.