If initiating sex was left to women, so the joke goes, the human race would die out. I blame it all on the microscope. It's gone almost unnoticed but this 17th century invention has been of huge disservice to womankind, sexually speaking.
Up until then it was believed in the Western world that female orgasms were necessary for a woman to fall pregnant. The male and female fluids had to blend together for conception to take place, popular theory held. But the female orgasm was relegated in importance when the microscope showed that only male ejaculate was needed to fertilise the egg.
Women's orgasms fell off the Richter scale. And it's safe to say that society (and marriage in particular) has suffered ever since. If women were pleasured to a climax every time they had sex, what a different - and much more content - world this would be. For one, women would damn well love sex. And probably demand a nightly dose.
Frequent orgasms are hugely beneficial to our health, so we are told, but in my view it's even more so for the institute of marriage. If a woman is less keen on sex than her male partner, the relationship is libidinally off kilter. I accept that most couples will experience some discrepancies in their sex drives, especially at certain times in their lives. But there are plenty of tricks that guys can use to help even out the score. Here are my top 10:
1. Orgasms, orgasms, orgasms
Here's your number one target: aim to bring her to orgasm every time you have sex with her. It doesn't matter if she doesn't climax 100 percent of the time but if you have a failure rate of 50-80 percent, you're in trouble. Would you want sex with a person if their bedroom technique was so poor they never brought you to a climax? Exactly. If a woman doesn't get to enjoy frequent orgasms with you, she'll lose interest in sex with you - period.
2. Put her pleasure first
Change your focus to giving her pleasure, rather than taking it for yourself. Women generally take longer to get aroused because the sight of a guy naked just doesn't get the juices flowing, like the blood surges for guys. But that doesn't mean it isn't your problem. Her arousal is important because you need her body to be ready for penetration - if she's not ready (if her vagina's not lubricated and expanded), you can cause tiny tears in her vagina. Which is painful for her and can lead to infection - and make her less keen to have sex with you in future. Learn how to stimulate her entire body to get her aroused long before you head towards her genitals. Kiss, lick, stroke, rub body to body, and…
3. Kiss her on the mouth
Women find deep, passionate kisses incredibly arousing. Kiss her for long enough and she's likely to beg you for sex sooner or later. Learn the art of a great kiss - wet, slobbery ones are a huge turnoff for most women. Alternate soft, gentle kisses with urgent tonguing. Bite her passionately on the neck, breath hotly in her ear, then head back for more snogging (while your hands stroke and tease her body).
4. Focus on her clitoris
Once you've got her highly aroused, move to her clitoris. This is the key to a woman's orgasms, not penetrative sex (though women love both). Around 70 percent of women need direct, ongoing stimulation of their clit to orgasm. Only a minority of women orgasm during penetrative sex, often as a result of their clitoris being stimulated at the same time due to the sex position chosen. If she seldom orgasms, that's what you're doing wrong - not giving her clit enough loving.
5. Find her G-spot
She'll love you forever if you do. All women have this spot - it's the urethral sponge wrapped around the urethra, which is felt through the front wall of the vagina when she's highly aroused. While firm massaging produces a particularly deep orgasm for many women, there are some who enjoy it but the earth doesn't move, while some actually dislike the sensation. There's no harm experimenting, though, because the front wall of the vagina is rich in nerve endings so stimulating it is highly pleasurable for most.
6. Vary your lovemaking
Women become bored very quickly if sex is monotonous. Do the same thing each time and she'll find it harder to be turned on by you. The harder she finds it to get aroused, the more of a chore sex becomes, and the less likely she is to reach an orgasm. Try new techniques, new positions, new locations… If you're having doggie-style sex on your bed twice a week, her libido is doomed. Move the action into the garden shed at night, your in-law's bedroom or semi-public places like a hotel swimming pool. Vary lovemaking from long, romantic sessions, to passionate quickies at the front door. And best of all, take her away for dirty weekends - sans kids.
7. Make her feel sexy
Boost her sexual self-esteem and she'll be dying to prove you right. Tell her what you adore about her, what bits you find so sexy you can't keep your hands off them, how good she looks in her lacy lingerie…and mean it.
8. Change any medication lowering her libido
If she's on medication for a chronic condition such as depression, or if the Pill has killed her sex drive (it does for a lot of women), get her to ask her doctor for an alternative that won't lower her libido. Medicine affects people differently and it's often just a matter of finding one that agrees with her. Doctors are familiar with libido issues, so she needn't be embarrassed about refusing to sacrifice her sex drive for her health.
9. Talking = feeling close = intimacy
Most importantly, talk to her. Be open, honest and trusting. Put the kids to bed and turn the TV off. Pour two glasses of wine, sit down and take time to reconnect. Massage her feet and shoulders while you listen to her. Do this regularly and she'll feel closer to you. When a woman feels emotionally close to a guy, she feels loved, understood and usually, inclined towards being sexually intimate. The opposite is also true - the greater the distance between you emotionally, the less likely she is to want to be intimate with you.
10. Give her free reign to express herself sexually
Ask her to write down five of her wildest sexual fantasies. You do the same. Go through them together and agree to be open minded and give them all a try. You can discard any that one of you finds absolutely repulsive, or that you feel may endanger your relationship. Put the rest in a hat and pick one each time you have sex, then put it into action. I guarantee, your sex life together will never be the same again.
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